A Friend Lost

      It was around 6 in the evening. Like always, I was binging one of my favorite shows and was completely lost in it. I had my placements going on and I knew in the back of my head that at one point I should stop doing this and start preparing for placement. I was completely oblivious to my surroundings and had only one thing in my head that after this episode I'll stop watching and start studying. 
      After finishing that episode and unwilling to open a book just yet, I started checking my messages. I opened my WhatsApp and saw a few messages in groups that I did not want to respond to. I moved to the status bar and started scrolling down. One of my classmates had posted a picture of a friend in her status. I opened her status to check what it was. She had posted a picture of my friend and written R.I.P, and I instantly thought it was a bad joke she was trying to pull on us. In a minute my best friend texted me and we were chit-chatting and making fun of our classmate for trying pull this trick. We also thought she might be trying to check who would respond or check up on her and conclude that those were her real friends. Because of this theory, my best friend said that she would post one for me, but by this time 20 mintues had already passed and I felt uneasy and thought something might actually has happened. I decided to contact my friend who was supposedly "dead".

No response.

But, she hardly ever picks the call. 

I still didn't want to wave this off as a prank again, so I decided to call the girl who posted the picture. She picked up the call and I knew she had been crying and I didn't dare to ask if it was a joke. I knew she was not able to speak and I tried to console her before asking how it happened.

She gave me details, with her voice breaking every two seconds. I didn't want to push her further so I told her to try and calm down and then I cut the call. Within a few minutes, my phone started to ring with many people wanting to know if what they read was real. I spoke to a few of them and told them what happened and they asked me how I was doing.

Actually until this point, until this question, I didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't get a minute to myself to cry or even to be sad. She was a good friend. A classmate and more so a lab mate for a whole three years. She was always the first one I could think of, after my friends, I could go to if I needed any help. She was always there even though she was never my first choice.
I was still processing the news and I thought I should check when was the last time I spoke to her. I opened her chat and the last thing I had said was "Yes" answering one of her questions. She had called me last Friday asking me how to fill a form. And I remember her stressing over not having the required format of stamp size picture and worrying how to get a hard copy of this form with all the shops closed due to lockdown. I also remember telling her to calm down and ask if she needed to know anything and that I'd walk through how to fill the form once she got her picture. 
"Calm down" was a must when I spoke to her. She was always stressed. 
After 8, the calls stopped coming. I was sad and didn't want to cry right now. I know I should be sad. I know I'm supposed to be said. I ignored all the messages asking if I was ok. "I don't know, but can you shut up and mind your own business?" I wanted to reply. I needed a distraction.

I opened my laptop which I had just closed an hour ago and continued to watch the series I was watching. I was lost in it. Follwing the story just like always. But every time a funny scene came up I got a small shot of pain in the pit of my stomach when I tried to smile.

I was guilty.

Could I have saved her? I could have listened to her more. I could have cared more. I could have spend more time with her.

I kept my laptop aside and went to the living room. I couldn't be alone right now. I needed to be around people. My mom and dad were watching T.V. I climbed on the sofa and laid on my stomach. I listened to their conversations mixed with the sound coming from the T.V but it wasn't enough of a distraction but I tried not to think about anything else.

Within few minutes I was sleepy and suddenly I felt my cheeks wet. It was muffled cries which I didn't even notice myself. I turned towards the wall and tried to wipe it away before anyone noticed. I wasn't in a position to explain. I needed explations.

Mom and dad asked me what happened and I said I was sleepy. I went to bed. That night was the worst night ever. I remembered so many conversations with her and what I could have done better. There was no stop button in my head. Finally when I couldn't take it anymore I started weeping badly.The thing is it felt better when I cried, but then I calm down and again remember something and then start to cry. It went on until 4am, until I had no tears or energy left in me. But I was still feeling super nervous, sad and guilty. 

It was the first time I had lost someone close. 

And then suddenly I wanted to text my friends. I knew I was acting on impulse or maybe thinking back I was really down and needed to talk. I texted in our Whatsapp group. It went something like this.

"I don't care how far you guys are.

Just don't die on me."

Now every time I read it, I cringe. But at that moment I needed to do that. It was around 5 now so I didn't wait for the response. But I felt relieved and slept well.

Next morning it hit me what I had done. I was scared to open the chat. I just procrastinated and finally when it was time to face it, I opened my Whatsapp. 

Thankfully they didn't make fun of me. Nor did try to say I didn't mean it.

One of my friend had replied:

"What is happening to you guys.

I love you too"

The whole chat section suddenly became vulnerable and we spoke of thing we never were able to before.

they asked me how I was doing and finally I could say the truth.

"I'm not doing great, but I'll be fine".